1 last breathe

Recently, i am being hit by bouts of excruciating pain in my chest . The pains brought back frightful memories of that fateful night... It was almost 1 and a half yr ago. i was in my room and it was around 2 am in the morning. I kept felt excited, not exhilerating excitement, more like heart thumping excitement, all while i was lying on my bed doing nothing, worrying abt nothing. suddenly, i felt sharp stabbing pain in my chest, over where my heart was, its almost like an invisible hand reached into my chest and gave my heart a frightfully strong squeeze. I was grappled with fears. i could not breath and when i wanted to stand up, my legs wobbled uncontrollably and gave way. i have to try to crawl to the door and get help. I had a really hard time crawling to the door. The gan jiongness and the numbing sensation in my limbs did not help much with the situation.
After ard 2 min later, the suffocating hold was lifted and my lungs burnt with the sudden rush of harsh moist air. i greedily devour the air in short rapid burst knowing that i can go into hypertension any moment. Slowly, my pallor disappear and i was breathing again. that night, i opend the door and sat by it till 7 in the morning. i cannot sleep, i must not sleep for i don't want to die in my sleep.

I went to the doctor the following day and the doctor refered me to a specialist but i did not go. i made up my mind that i will quit smoking and tt i did. I never encounter the pains anymore until recently. recently, i have been feeling it more and more. An i suddenly realised, at this point of time i am here making a blog entry but i can probably den up dead the next min. And when the time for judgement comes, when i have reached the 1 last breathe, what will be going thru my mind? Many times, i allow myself to wallow in alot of unhappiness and dislikes. i just realise that at te last breathe, there will be many things tt i wanna do, many words hat i wanna say and many wrongs i wanna put right. But that last breathe will not be enough for all these things. And so today, i shall say certain things to certain people who are important in my life.

i shall start with the 2 people that gave life to me. My mum and my dad. I was never a good boy. always making them upset. especially my mum. there were times when i was immature, felt ashamed of my parents for alot of things that doesnt matter. how come my frens can go on holidays on planes and yet, the nearest feel i have wif a plane are the occasional visits to Changi Airport. I lament that my frens have parents that are rich and they can get the Nike trainers as and when they like. i broke my parents heart many times by not striving to work hard back in Jc. Even now, when i think of the subjects i da-baoed(failed), i felt quietly ashamed. My dad is a great man. Not Mahatma Ghandhi great, but just a great father and a great husband who will slave it out just so that his family can live decently with dignity. He stopped studying when he was in primary 6.
Back then, the situation was not like now. being educated meant that at least 15 years of life would be wasted not working. and back when poverty ruled, that was unacceptable. However, a small reason why my dad stopped schooling was becuz he just cannot click with books. he used to say that the books studied him more than he studied the books. Having p6 education is not getting him anyway. So he found a job with a spray painting workshop. He picked up a craft turning old ugly cars into brand new cars wif new coats of paintwork. thru honesty and pure diligence, my dad went on to set up a workshop himself. The money was good in the past as 2nd hand cars were in great demand. Over the years, everything that are undesirabl caught on. age and health being 2 of the major issues. The nature of my dad's job is physically demanding. he works 7 days a week and the only holiday that he does not work is the Lunar New Year. He is getting older now and he also suffered numerous injuries along the years. the injuries were left un attended to becuz medical fees are steep and he wld rather use the money for our welfare. In recent years, new cars are getting cheaper and people naturally switch to buying new cars. His humble business suffered and our comfortable lifestyle have to be adjusted. When i entered uni, i knew abt loans offered by the university and i eagerly tried to get one, only to have the idea shot down by my dad. He is from the old shcool of thots and he would rather work his ass off to get the money than to owe anything to anyone. I told him not to worry abt that and that i will be able to return the money when i started working. He told me plainly that he will not want me to have that burden and he wld rather exhaust all he has now. A normal sensible child wold den try to study hard so as not to let his father down. but being the ungrateful lump that i am, i failed a couple of subjects in school becuz of reasons that are not significant at all.

To my father: I am sorry that i cannot be the son that u can be proud of YET. From this day on, i will strive to do my best and hopefully make u proud of me one day. I was fuck wrong. There is nothing shameful abt your life at all. You have a decent and clean life and our fmily is always the centre of your attention. You manage to give us a comfortable living with ur blood and sweat. I know we never have this habit in our family to say that we love each other, but i really and sincerely want to say that i love you and there is no other man in this world i want to take your place.

i will talk abt other people in later entries. ......